What am I?
If I’m completely honest with myself I think BDSM is mental. For some reason the thought of a spanking or even a beating appeals to me but in my mind it’s different than reality. It’s a fantasy that I don’t understand. I look at the videos and pictures available on porn sights and get nightmares.
This is so complex, so close to the-heart-of that I’m not sure I can blog about it honestly. Am I being honest with myself about my needs? about my sexual preferences? Is there something in a spanking or a beating fantasy that feeds a guilt not related to sexuality?
In my spanking fantasy there is always a connection between me and the man I’m fantasizing about. There is always a reason for the spanking…gratuitous pain doesn’t appeal to me even in fantasy. There is a specific fantasy that works for me but BDSM alone doesn’t. I laugh at myself as I’m watching the videos and the man says something like “Have you been a bad girl?” I’m thinking to myself, “No, actually, why do you ask?” I can feel myself getting ready for a fight. You want a piece of me, you’d better be stronger than me because I can take most people down when I’ve set my mind to it…I’m a right bleeding bitch if the truth is told.
In part, that may be the answer I’m looking for. I need someone who is stronger than me, mentally as well as physically. The spanking and beating fantasy emphasizes that aspect of the relationship. And it does need to be a relationship. The thought of hooking up with someone for a BDSM session doesn’t appeal to me at all…if a stranger tried tying me up and beating me I’d hospitalize him.
On the other hand, I have heard of a spanking/beating being called a “deep tissue massage.” There may be a physical pleasure associated with a correctly admnistered beating. I don’t like the sting of a crop on my skin but I do like a deep pain that waves through my body…it finds my clit and satisfies me on an emotional level too. My love deepens with the pain, my body arches, my ass rises and wiggles with pleasure. It has to be done right. If it’s done wrong I’ll leap up and rip that crop out of your hand so fast it’ll make your head spin. That’s not submission…the one administering the pain/pleasure is the submissive…he has to get it right or he’s in trouble. If that’s not confusion, I don’t know what is. I don’t want to be dominant but I also don’t want to be hurt…someone send help…I have no idea who I am…
Dark Echos
Dark Echos 
wll writen dark chaos . and well thought out
December 25, 2010 at 12:24 am
Interesting post.
December 26, 2010 at 5:31 pm
no pain, no gain
December 27, 2010 at 3:10 pm
Oh I think you are submissive, very submissive in fact but maybe like me, a sub with a defiant streak that needs to be made to submit and that will only come from finding the right Dom the one that makes you want to give yourself over to him the one you deem worthy of your submission. I know thats how it worked for me.
Mollyxxx
ps, very good writing btw
April 16, 2011 at 7:12 pm
Thanks Molly!
And thank you for stopping by. xx
Dark Echos ❤
April 16, 2011 at 7:17 pm
In many cases a spanking or a responsible beating can go a long way in easing deep set guilt. It can allow the recipient to clearly look at the reason for the desire. It is not to say that there is anything wrong in a lifestyle with this type of thing woven into it. But if the unknown guilt is getting in the way of a fulfilling life or leading the person into life threatening situation it should be addressed.
Great blog.
R.C
(Cute Butt BTW lol)
June 7, 2011 at 3:04 pm
I read this to a friend of mine and she got mad and said “M and I have been telling you that for over a year!” I just calmly pointed out that perhaps so but Robert’s Psychic…I’m just waiting for the explosion…
DE
PS: Yes, it is a cute butt…I wish it was mine!
June 7, 2011 at 3:28 pm